Abuse

The VSF is in right in front of me, sitting on the ground, pondering how to construct this. What this means is that this blog post might seem strangely disjointed because it seems that he is going to want me to get up every few seconds to help him measure things on my body. This is love.

Anyway, I've been meaning to write this entry for a while because it is a bunch of meanderings that have been playing around in my mind, but I haven't really been sure how to structure it. So I'm just going to go for it and see what happens. Abuse. It's not happy. In fact, it may very well be the exact opposite of happy. Recently, though, I've come into some very coincidental encounters with it. One of my best friends is still reeling from a horribly abusive relationship/friendship, my officemate encountered a man showing all the warning signs for an abusive personality, and the VSF has been communicating with a penpal who is dealing with the consequences of recently getting out of an abusive situation.

I think the hardest thing for me is to wrap my head around what constitutes abuse. All explanations have really left me thinking that it is far too nebulous a thing to really describe. I think, however, that that is the truth and that the truth of that is what makes abuse so pernicious. It is hard to point at some relationship and say assuredly "That is abuse. You should leave." Certainly we can when the victim comes away from fights with a bloody lip or a black eye. But can we when she is simply becoming more and more withdrawn, quieter and quieter. Is the girlfriend simply being possessive or is she being manipulative? Is the boyfriend just tired, or does he yell at his boyfriend like this every time he gets frustrated? Is that girl critical or is she demeaning? If it is so easy for those of us outside of abusive relationships to be confused about abuse, then how can we expect victims to know definitively that their situation is untenable and to leave?

Also there's the issue of inconsistency. No abuser is an abuser 24/7. Sometimes he'll be the most wonderful and supportive person the world has ever seen. So what proportion constitutes abuse? 60/40? 70/30? How much can we write off as simply a bad day?

I don't know what got me on such a down click that I felt the need to write this, but the thoughts have been playing around in my head, and I just don't know the answers. I've read a lot, and there are some great resources out there. I've worked with the YWCA (primarily rape crisis, but there is some focus on relationship abuse.) I've been exposed to this stuff. I've lived some of this, but I still don't know how to explain it to people. That troubles me immensely. Look, people, if any of you think you might be in an abusive relationship, if any of you KNOW that you ARE in an abusive relationship, I only want you to do one thing (and I promise it's not "just leave"). I want you to know that it is not your fault that you are being abused, it's not your fault that you "fell for it," and that there are people out there who realize that it is much harder than even we know to recognize signs of abuse and avoid it.

Okay, I promise next time I'll write about something sexy. Like what we're gonna do with that rope sling the VSF is tying together. Or maybe about boobs. Everyone likes boobs right?